Credibility

tim193

Dear Ezra and Lian,

As we approach the end of my letters to you, let’s review. When I wrote about smuggling weapons grade uranium, no one said I had no credibility to write about such things. Depending on the enrichment grade, in effect I was claiming that there may have been enough fissile material passing from India to Burma to kill upwards of 40 million people. No one blinked an eye or said I was hallucinating. I still have a hard time believing that story and I was there! It seems I doubted myself more than others did. Based on the feedback, everybody believed me or were just too kind to say I was crazy.

I wrote about someone confessing to me that they committed murder, but no one said I was suffering from a mental illness. I wrote about a former Ontario provincial cabinet minister and his friend, and I never got threatened with a lawsuit. I wrote about a former Member of Parliament’s campaign team doing a dirty trick that influenced the 1997 Canadian federal election. No one said I was vengeful or hurtful. I wrote about taking a gun away from someone so they didn’t get shot at an Indian-Burma border crossing. I was not called malicious, jealous, hateful, spiteful, or slanderous.

However, all these things happened when I wrote about what happens hundreds of thousands of times every day in India. Someone took extra money to do the job they are already paid to do. I wrote the truth about people and some of my readers actually knew them. Since what I wrote about didn’t match their view of the world, they have reacted quite angrily. Even though the public has a right to know certain facts about certain officials, it didn’t matter. Since it was a “family” secret I broke the code of silence. It hit too close to home.

After the divorce, someone once asked you Ezra, how are your Mom, Dad, Lian and you when you are all together. You said, “We are like a normal family that loves one another.” Luckily for you, you told one of the few people in this world who will 100% believe that. Everybody else expects people get divorced because at least one person hates the other. They just can’t accept that there are many other reasons. They also can’t believe that after a divorce, at least one spouse isn’t looking for revenge and behave accordingly. They believe once there is a legal settlement, the custodial parent (me) must use it to punish the other parent. Yet, there’s been an open door here for Mommy. Before I got threatened with a lawsuit, most of the time, Mommy has even had the keys to this house. If you told most people how many times Mommy has slept here in this house, they would freak out. They can’t imagine two divorced people putting personal feelings aside to work for the common good of their children. Yet somehow, people who live thousands of miles away from here and have never darkened the door of our house, know what’s in my heart. Kids, trust what you have seen and heard for your whole lives. This is the real me.

For over 6 months, Mommy and her sister would call me to find out about the other. This happened because they wouldn’t talk to one another at all. However, they would talk to me. For hours. They trusted me for the truth. Even though they didn’t realize I knew the horrible things they said and did to one another, I kindly listened. We were invited on joint vacations. A month or so ago, King Kong urged me to take you kids back to Mizoram at Christmas. It was very difficult to say no. Mommy’s brother would ask me theological questions, even though Mommy and I were separated/divorced. This past summer, Mommy’s aunt, Chhumi visited you here in this house. Even though legally, I could have told her to go away. If I had some cruel, malicious need for revenge, I could have denied her access to you both. Instead, I gave her a warm welcome. She’s your Great-Aunt. She has done nothing but treat this family with kindness and love. How could I do otherwise? Does this sound like somebody who hates Mommy or her family?

I simply made two “mistakes”. I determined months ago to live my life in truth and in openness. Nothing else changed about me.

Lian, one day you will find out that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist. After watching that “Yo Gabba Gabba” episode so many times, you so sincerely believed in her. You put your tooth in its little treasure box under your pillow. Since you went through a lot of pain having that tooth pulled, when you excitedly told me how you were going to get a gold coin, I didn’t have the heart to disappoint you. I put a loonie (1$ coin) under your pillow. When Ezra was about to tell you the reality, I shushed him. I hope you can forgive me. I promise you, it is the only time I have lied to you in your life. Everything else is the truth as best as I remember it. Speaking the truth in love is very a difficult task. I have only told you what I thought you needed to hear. If I told you too much, I’m truly sorry.

I love you so much,

Dad